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World's Best Kisser.
I'm wet and I'm moist So come on let's rejoice In the birds, the bees, the fillies and the colts And the fact that we are all young adults (hi baby, how are you?) And lie back on your couch After this there'll be no doubt I don't care if you're a Miss or a Missus You done been squelched by the world's best kisses Ho, ho, sit up straight and pout I'll suck your face until I pull your molars out A tongue so grand you'll call me more than friend One kiss from this and you'll never brush your teeth again (and you know it's true, mate) Well go back to your husband now Tell him you done broke your vow Stand proud and say "Hey Mister, I've just been kissed by the world's best kisser" Ho, ho, sit up straight and pout I'll suck your face until I pull your wisdoms out A tongue so long it really grows and grows Put it in your mouth and it'll clean out your nose I've only kissed one girl before My Grandma on the kitchen floor She dribbled and grinned and said "Hey Kid, You taught me things your Grandpa never did" She added there'd be hell to pay If Ma found out we'd gone astray So hurry Paul, go and get some sleep You finally got a skill to teach the sheep Hey, hey, calm down and pucker up These lips are strong enough to stop a truck A tongue so long, it really packs a punch One kiss from this And I'll know what you had for lunch One kiss from this And I'll know what you had for lunch Yesterday
Maria.
I love, a girl called Maria, Her name is Maria They call her Mari, Mari Mari, Mari, Maria. She loves a guy who's a maori A New Zealand maori Yes, he's a maori, maori Maori, maori, maori They sailed A kayak down the Murray A kayak down the Murray Down the Murray Murray, Murray, Murray. They love pasta marinara Pasta marinara They love their mari Mari, mari, marinara. They skipped Through a field of marigolds A field of marigolds A field of mari, Mari, mari, marigolds They said One day they would marry One day they would marry Yes they'd marry, Marry, marry, marry, marry. Sadly they DIED this afternoon CHA-CHA-CHA!
Sailors Arms.
I met her at the 'Sailor Arms'
A bar down by the docks
Full of prostitutes and deviants
And fellows wearing frocks
Went there to drown my sorrow
My misery and paaaiiiiaaaiiiiaan
With fourteen multicoloured pills
And a pint of heavy ale
(heavy ale)
And I saw this girl across the way
Who was smiling through the wine
So I begged her come on over
Come on over, spend some time
And I spilled my life before her
And she seemed to understand
Although she was a girl
We were talking man to man
(man to man)
[Chorus]
For love is where you find it
Wherever that may be
For me it was in the Sailors Arms
At twenty-five past three
There's something strange about her
I can't put my finger on
But I wanna tell the world
That she's the one
(she's the one)
I wanna tell the world
That she's the one
She strolled up to the toilets
She strolled into the Gents
I asked her why she did it
Why she'd gone to pay the rent
We arm-wrestled and I lost
She beat me with a spike
Told me filthy jokes
That were quite unlady-like
(lady-like)
It was four in the morning
And through the smokey haze
I could've been mistaken
But she needed to shave
(to shave)
[Chorus]
For love is where you find it
Wherever that may be
For me it was in the Sailors Arms
With a better man than me
Her husky voice seduced me
My heart was in a mess
I sat upon her knee
As something twitched beneath her dress
There's something more than knees beneath her dress
You've got nice eyes says I
(Oh Sir, I am suprised)
What large hands I said
(All the better to touch you with)
God, you arms look strong
(A woman's work is never done)
Your legs are quite hirsuite
(Aren't you the saucy one!)
I was feeling less than stable
When she said her name was Ken
(Ken!)
Well if I had suspicions
Lord I should've had 'em then
(then!)
She cried as she told me
How she was so confused
One more visit to the doctor
She'd have nothing left to lose
(Toulouse-Lautrec)
I ran my fingers through her wig
She lightly stroked my hair
She said she was a man
(Whoa whoa! She said she was a man?
A man called Ken - Bull-twang!)
Lots of men are called Ken.
(So what did you say?)
I told her I don't care
(He doesn't care)
[Chorus]
For love is where you find it
Wherever that may be
For me it was in a hopper bin
With my trousers 'round my knees
There's something strange about her
I just put my finger on
And I want to tell the world
That she's the one
(he's the one)
I want to tell the world
That its the one.
Warsong.
With a downward blast From his doughy arse Like a lance of fire He shot up the mast As he mumbled blasphemous epitaphs "I am the sailor!" And the captain cried with a mighty heave ho, "Enemy sighted on the starboard bow Load your cannons let 'em go For god is on our side boys". In the dust and sand On a foreign land With hands afire He buried his friend He beat his brow And cursing foul he said "I am the soldier" And the private laughed as he reached the bluff His gun barrel smoking and enough's enough "We've done more damage than old MacDuff And god is on our side, boys" He flew through the flak On the first attack The bomb bay open On a missle's back "Here's the pay load" He crudely spat "I am the airman". And the general sighed "This is our last stand Let every man say 'Amen' For we'll not see daylight again And god is on our side boys" Well the airman plunged into the pine And the sailor drowned in the briny brine And the soldier in haste put his foot on a mine And it comes to all in time boys For on the day they died boys God was on the other side boys
Funk You.
I don't know much about ART but I can tell you this Duchamps's Urinal is a piece of piss Van Gogh cut off his ear to spite his face (So What) Me, I've got a message for the whole human race I want to be a phallic symbol like the Tower of Pisa And wipe the smile off smile off the face of that bitch, the Mona Lisa I'll date Botticelli's Venus, just to tease her But unless you're hung like a Jackson Pollock You couldn't please her! Funk you and funk your mother Funk your sister, funk your auntie And funk your little brother When you've learnt how to funk one another Don't leave that groovy thing on the shelf Go home to the one you love and Funk yourself As Gallileo said, "And yet it moves" While Oppenheimer splits the atom And Newton finds the groove But me, I agree with Einstein Who put it so much simpler I want it to end as it began With one BIG BANG, not a whimper! Funk you, funk quantum physics When you've proved their theory's wrong You can go and funk the cynics Take a proton pill as you butt-funk the critics You're E=MC squared (That's your life) Well funk your buddy and Funk your wife Sexual psychology fasinates me more than art or science I've attempted intercourse with every household appliance A girl came to my clinic, I guess you'd call her a client She wouldn'y shake my hand which I found so defiant I said, "My Psychoanalyst is gonna love you 'Cause you look just like my sister" She said "But I've got no arms And armless girls cannot play twister" She tried to take my pants off with her teeth But her stiff upper lip got caught in the metal zip Funk you and funk your mother Funk your sister, funk your auntie And funk your little brother When you've learnt how to funk one another Don't leave that groovy thing on the shelf Go home to the one you love and Home to the one you love and Home to the one you love and Funk yourself
Carnal Carnival.
The carnal carnival is in town
I think I'm going down (we will)
The sexual festival's such a thrill
It makes me just want to kill kill kill kill kill kill
Sorry!
I love the perfume round your hips
The way you flirtify your lips
I hear the zipper unzip
Feel the flesh start to rip rip rip rip rip rip rip rig and rip
You've got to stand up and be counted
Or lie down and be mounted
You've got no choice, you've got to use your voice
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
Fornicators freaks and sodomites
Transexuals and transvestites
Homo, hetero or confused
Bisexual, used and abused
The perverse litany is here
Sadomasochistic bondage gear
Sex is sin, sin is fun
Come one, come all, in the end just CUM
You've got to move into the centre
Or just break and enter
We wanna reach your mind
But through your behind
The panic of seduction
The act of reproduction
Now you're back in the sack
You must describe your function
The fuck truck, the root ute, hip hop knock shop
Your piston's greased, you need release
Not just another pit-stop
Big breasts, sunken chest
Are you better than the rest
What's your measurement, baby can we make a tent,
How much have you spent
Is your arse up for rent
Are you blonde or brunette or is it ginger ginger
Have you been experienced or are you a beginner
You're salivating now coz you're up against the wall,
The pitcher's on the mound so grab the bat and let's play ball,
Let's play ball, let's play ball, let's play ball!
You've got to be loud and be proud now or
Lie nude in the crowd now
I want your touch
Let's get down and Ya ya ya ya ya
ya ya ya ya ya
ya ya ya ya ya
ya ya ya ya ya
You've got to STOP!!!
Kiss Me You Fool.
You've been flirting like crazy since I walked in through the door You were so damn obvious I almost licked the floor And though you're not attractive, there is still something that appeals like a baby seal with its head caved in or eating jellied eels Please don't turn away now, you know exactly who you are Could it be that you smell the scent of a minor megastar Now's your chance, let's not dance, let's really get it on And kiss me you fool (kiss him you fool) come on and kiss me you fool (kiss him you fool) You're not stupid, just kiss me stupid, and kiss me You play fair, you're Mayfair, your hotel's on Park Lane your waterworks are wonderful, oh, how can I explain that to me you're more than cute, you're no Trivial Pursuit You're the one I'd go to jail for, the one that I'd post bail for I won't pass Go if you say no, give me the chance to play or Touch me you fool (touch him you fool) come on and touch me you fool (touch him you fool) I know you're shy, forget that guy, and touch me For you I'd swim the Ganges, I'd scale the Pyrenees I'd wade through vats of leeches in the nude just as a tease I'd open up my heart for you, and various other things Your eyes are so inviting, your lips are so exciting Come on, lets play, don't run away, I need you so, it's frightening Feel me you fool (feel him you fool) come on and feel me you fool (feel him you fool) Oh, it would be bliss, get a grip (a grip) on this, and feel me
Jason and Kylie.
I won a prize in a magazine A night on Ramsay St with whatsisname and Sharlene (Ba-doom) I sat there eagerly with my private invitation (Ba-doom) My thoughts were filled with bizarre initiations This couple oh so sweet, naive and innocent Their idea of fornication would make Lady Di look bent Thought they'd be hip to smack, maybe enjoy a whack But they were real nice kids, so I tried a different tack I pumped up their hearts with love Then mind-expanding drugs Then made a proposition with a rubber glove I thought I had convinced 'em But Kylie started mincing And Jason was expanded when I said I'd ride 'em tandem! Jason and Kylie Menage a trois me Let's get together and let's practise making babies Jason can play Ken, Kylie plays Barbie When I start playing Rin Tin Tin they'll both learn how to doggie (Ruff ruff ruff!) (And they called it puppy love) I'll be Mrs Mangels with a revolutionary French blender Kylie can be the Bastille and then Jason can defend her And poor old Daphne in a car crash died Now maggots eat her corpse from the inside They're just as good in bed As on the TV screen Young intellectuals, do you know what I mean? Kylie and Jason Let's play freemason I'll chase you 'round the house while you wear silly aprons I'll be the wife who doesn't understand It's not the clothes that make the man, It's the handshake! 1, 2, 1-2-3 Jason and Kylie, hey hey! Jason and Kylie, et tu brute They're just like free range eggs, they're a damn good lay We made a real fine threesome, each one of us inside us And when you root like that, nothing can divide us 1, 2, 1-2-3 Jason and Kylie for me!
Bottle.
A stinking sun burned me awake Through the shattered windowpane I recalled through eyes of claret red He had taken me again And the hair of the dog revives me But I find it hard to swallow It's a marriage made in heaven between me and the bottle A thousand thoughts come back And the room just spins This sodden mattress holds my head and it cradles my regrets I hear him once again But he knows that I'll not follow It's a marriage of convenience between me and the bottle Now king alcohol comes back With his static and his pride And he wanders, drunk and skinful, Through my throat all parched and dry And if I should die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take Then I could rest And never wake again In sorrow It's a marriage on the rocks between me and the bottle
Bless Me Father.
Bless me Father, bless me Father for I have sinned I've been twenty seven years now In this skin I'm living in Forgive me, forgive me and I'll not let you down Like prometheus in the morning I'm bound to come around I stole and I lied, I was cruel and mean and vicious Petty and pedantic, vulgar, uncouth and ruthless I hurt my little brother, I deceived my aged mother And I was called a lying bastard by my ever loving father I've lied and I've cheated, been in brawls I never started Been known to fall in love more easily than I've farted And I've cursed my friends for my own ends But now it's time to make amends, so Bless me Father, bless me Father for I have sinned It's been twenty seven years and I remember every sin Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, my life's an open book And if you show me yours then I'll give you a quick look There was Jenny in Kilkenny and Barbara in Barbados Helen in a back seat, Jill and Jean and both their neighbours Henriette, so did I, Selina and Patrice A family of Quakers and their fifteen year old niece A thousand other sordid other nights that I cannot recall But I never paid for sex once Well once, and that is all With this girl with thighs as white as milk That tasted just like honey And to own her for a hour you'd only have to give her money Now you've lived your life of chastity and you must find it funny That I can call you Father - you can never call me sonny, so Bless me Father, bless me Father for I have sinned It's been sixty seven years and I remember every sin I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry In Amsterdam I shot a man In Paris I got drunk In Brussels I went to Antwerp In Paris I got drunk In Zimbabwe I kissed a dog In Paris I got drunk In Paris I said [general abusive outburst] Well, I caught a card shark cheating Caved his head in with a spade He thought I was the king of fools, but I was just a knave I seduced his wife at his funeral, I had her on his grave So when he died I got a million bucks so I'm well laid I got Pluto pregnant, I felched Minnie Mouse Go fetch Mephistopheles, I'm more susceptible than Faust I've stuffed myself on life, satisfied each and every urge I don't regret a moment, I'll be damned before I'm purged Live for the moment take your pleasures where you can We're all dust and we'll all be dust again So let's live, let's live, let's live, live, live, live, live Until we die Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Manchester.
You tried your hardest You did your best You put in a good bid But failed the test You lost at football At cricket too The British Lion's been beaten By a kangaroo [Chorus] Bad luck Manchester Bad luck son You put in a good bid But Sydney won [Repeat Chorus] You know Britian's been upset Since their bid went down But they're glad Paul Keating Didn't hang around Some things have gone missing From the palace grounds When Keating left at Heathrow He was wearing a crown Ahh the Poms, they can't say G'day Or ridgy didge They haven't got an Oprah House Or a Harbour Bridge They haven't got no Bondis They've got no Botany Bays They haven't got no Monty With his filthy ways (disgusting man) Or little Liz Hayes They haven't got Normie Rowe Barry Crocker or Smilie The only thing they've got over here Are Jason and Kylie (Yeh and they belong to us, true enough) Sure they've got Dame Edna And they've got Clive James But one thing's for certain They haven't got the Games But we're good winners We won't rub it in Well, ooh, go on You lost, lost, lost Let's sing it again [Repeat Chorus Twice]
The Old Triangle.
Word has come from Dublin City She's lost her sweet angry voice Born with a spirit his flesh could not contain Brendan Behan is dead No stranger to life He lived right enough No stranger to the glass in his hand No stranger to the cause He fought for all his life Brendan Behan is dead A hungry feeling Came o'er me stealing While the mice were feeding In my prison cell And the old triangle Went jingle jangle All along the banks of the Royal Canal On a fine spring evening As I lay dreaming And the lag was weeping For his gal, Sal And the old triangle Went jingle jangle All along the banks of the Royal Canal And the wind was sighing As the day was dying And the lag still crying In his prison cell And the old triangle Went jingle bloody jangle All along the banks of the Royal Canal In the women's prison There are seventy women And I wish it was with them That I did dwell Then that old triangle Could go jingle bloody jangle All along the banks of the Royal Canal Ireland has lost Her sweet angry voice (and the old triangle) No longer will his poems fire desire (jingle bloody jangle) Will ring out in Gaelic Or sound through the Main Brendan Behan is dead
Extra Bits...
Satan Devil Beelzebub! Satan Devil Beelzebub! Satan Devil Beelzebub! Satan Devil Beelzebub! [Some possessed by demons gibberish] (That's the lyrics to "Achey Breakey Heart" backwards!) Bowling, booze and bad bad women Bowling, booze and bad bad women Bowling, booze and baaaad women What a perfect combination for a good night out Hey!
Homeless
Homeless, we are all homeless Daylight come and we want to go ...???? (Give the homeless venetian blinds, because what they want more than your pity is a bit of bloody privacy!)
Waco (Texas)
I heard somebody say Burn David burn Waco Inferno Burn David Burn Burn the commune down Yeah Yeah Burn David burn Waco Inferno Burn David Burn Set my kids on fire woomph (Now there was a man who liked his pork crackling!)
Passive Necrophilia
Passive necrophilia Necrophilia, necrophilia, necrophilia Rigor-mortis makes me hard, hey! (I would now like to sing a little song entitled 'Oh, my boy lollipop, uh-oh-oh, you make my heart go beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep')
Rhino Song 1
Loudly let the Rhinos bray
Dum-dum-da-ra!
Dum-dum-da-ra!
Loudly now our hooves are pounding
(Dum-dee Dee-dee-dee-dee)
Bow down before the mighty Rhino
Prostrate yourself upon the lino
(ta-ra!) I am a Rhino
(ta-ra!) I am a Rhino
Moooo!
Rhino Song 2
Rhinos!
Rhinos!
My mates and brothers, do anything for me
When they see that I am horny!
(Hey, brother! Two horns: one for honking brother,
one for bonking brother!)
We are full of poise and propriety,
We're very noisy for a secret society!